WHATEVER WORKS!!!

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:40:35 GMT

Dr Andrew and I were talking about my repressed memories of molestation in childhood, and I said that 'I would rather remember it'. He recommended other forms of therapy and said to come back to him when done. He said it will help me to deal with my fear.

Arundel Lodge has agreed to find me a such doctor.

I'm on the patch for quitting smoking, and I like it. I had really vivid dreams when I first started smoking again. (Like people I've met in Picasso style arguing over who wears the trousers.) I like having dreams.

I feel like I'm healing lately. I got a my best hug yet from Steve.

Still Tired

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:55:05 GMT

I read my medical records from my primary care physicians, and there's nothing documented about me being transgender! I've switched to Chase Brexton, although it's a two hour commute by bus and light rail.

Now, I can get the much needed hysterectomy for me to have energy. I'm borderline anemic, but my multivitamin only helps a little, and iron pills would aggravate my IBS.

I'm already in the process of quitting smoking. (Did you know that there are over 4,ooo chemicals in cigarettes?)

I'm in a Microsoft class to get office skills training. I should be finished by March.

I've written another poem. It's about dissociative disorder, and is very dark with influences from queerpoets' other poems.

I went to the bar to see Steve and was told to just be myself. My voice was too high, and I'm very embarrassed by it. Last night, I got it back by singing with a Killers CD.

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 19:10:07 GMT

Beautiful weather these last few days...

I ordered a copy of my records from my primary care physician's office. They said a while back that because I'm transgender, they won't perform a hysterectomy. They no longer provide gynecological services, thankfully.

My life seems to be getting back on track. I'll start a smoking cessation class tomorrow at Chase Brexton.

I've been thinking about attending Anne Arundel Community College for nursing school. I don't know where the money to live on would come from, but it's one of the best in the country. Also, there are classes at the community center for office work skills.

My IBS has significantly healed.

I've got to start working the 12 steps. I'm at step one, and I still feel like I'm clueless. It would probably help?

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 16:14:34 GMT

I watched a football game with Tom, and it seems less brutal. Maybe their bodies are better...

My life is completely unmanageable. My phone is cut off, I bought the wrong size of boots, no art or poetry lately, and I got written up for going to a NA meeting.

They said I should have stayed home to clean my room although I stayed home Friday from therapy to clean, besides she didn't show up until 5:30 in the evening and the NA meeting coffee setup was at 6:00. I cleaned the house after I came home. Unfortunately, the inspector came this morning while I was in the shower.

Someone suggested a recovery house, if I can get a job to afford it.

I feel as though I'm alone and like I haven't been acting like myself. I don't think that I'm funny anymore. I used to make people laugh so much that they asked me to become a comedian. Maybe it's the caffeine issues?

I enjoy making people laugh, maybe, I just don't feel like laughing because I have to learn self worth again.

Quit Caffeine for Smoking

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:16:16 GMT

When I went to my primary care doctor, she said the small bump must have gone away, to see my gastro-intestinal doctor about caffeine and IBS, and that no one she knows of would recommend smoking for any medical condition.

After many drowsy, falling asleep publically, attempts to quit drinking coffee and soda, I'm smoking instead. I'll join a smoking cessation class soon. They use nicotene gum, I heard, to help end the craving.

Tom, my friend whom I've been helping taking care of, is encouraging me to go to school to become a homeopathic doctor. I've thought about it before, and I like the idea because it would be problem solving and giving back. He said I could use his computer to look up the grants and school.

I'm really looking for serenity in my life. When I call 12 step people, they hardly ever call back. I don't have the time for 12 step outings with the way the bus runs. I know that it's not 'quality time' getting a ride to a meeting, so I'll have to dig deep for the ability to have good conversation over fruit smoothies.

Aggressiveness

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:48:46 GMT

I wrote my mother a letter about the delay in my hormone therapy. I included the information my transgender rights attorney, Drew, had recommended saying that most doctors don't hesitate in helping their patient. Dr Jensen had mentioned that it's like going thru puberty. He claimed that I'm too aggressive.

After helping Tom with his wheelchair as much as I could, I find myself acting in a more rugged masculine way. Even my voice is deeper. I've suggested that he needs a professional nurse because they have the defenses which help keep both parties sane. He's back in the hospital because he didn't quit smoking and the staph infection returned in his other leg.

Tom is no taller than me, 5.5, and says that he played football as a linebacker in school. I quit watching rare NFL games years ago because the violence repulses me. Tom is a surgical masterpiece after they creamed him playing football. I was 15 years old when asked to play center, and I flew to Europe for the next academic year.

I like extreme sports still, but no football for me, thank you. Bicycling, indoor soccer, track & field, and X skiing were fun. I enjoy watching men's beach volleyball and shoot an occasional game of pool now.

There was a form of beach volleyball on a lake in mud played nude in MN. Extremely fun.

Helping A Friend

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:09:03 GMT

I'm working for a friend, Tom who is a recent amputee, by helping him get out and around and in his apartment. We still have to work out the details of how to pay ALI, if we need to, but when I spoke to my primary MHA, she said to wait until the program manager comes back.

My voice has been really wacked lately. It goes female without me catching it. However, three different people called me "He" in the last 24 hours without my asking them to. Not too bad for not being on T. Tomorrow, I see my psychologist about starting hormones, again.

I believe T could only help me now that I'm recovered from the addiction relapse. I feel that express myself more, not only in poetry and art, but also in my daily life. Dr Andrew and I haven't been meeting regularly on Friday, and I know that it's about how I express myself that makes me a man. I think that the effort I put into asking people to call me 'he' pays off.

I gave one of my drawings to Steve at the bar. He said that it's my 'give back'. His wife came and I felt awkward because I'm attracted to him not her. I was discussing with a someone, Stephanie, about how I should go for single people.

Push Ups

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:51:04 GMT

I did 65 full length push ups yesterday because I felt like I had no muscle tone. It feels really good, and I'm not sore because I built up to them. I'm surprised that my back doesn't hurt, yet feels better. The seven year old fracture has healed amazingly well considering that I wasn't supposed to be able to walk.

Steve wants me to draw for him! He said he'd take my art! I'm very excited to be able to share my expressions with him. I called him to say, "Thank you!", and he was cute about my being there.

I went to the AA Red House and they told me that if I feel comfortable and not like I'm 'going to drink' in the bar, then I belong there.

I find that if I wake up at 6am, I sleep until noon.

I'm looking up coffeehouses and bookstores to see if I can get help with a job or selling my poetry. Someone said they would put in a good word for me at Red Emma's to get training as a barista.

SOMEWHAT BETTER

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 22:09:18 GMT

I'm looking into Burt's Bee's acne care. I bought a blemish stick of theirs, and it works! Although I shave almost daily with natural gel, Aveeno, I still have terrible acne from an old antipsychotic, Navane, which I used for only a few months. Lithium never gave me acne like this, but it may be exacerbating it. They won't put me on Accutane, and I'm not complaining about my liver potentially falling apart.

I got a new medication, cholestyramine, for my IBS. It should get better with time, I guess. I had to miss Baltimore Pride this year because I was without medication for it.

I'm taking more care of myself with hygiene. Although I don't know where the money is coming from, I feel better.

Still looking for a job...

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:45:29 GMT

I'm looking for a good job that won't hurt me physically. I applied online at Rosetta Stone Language Software, a mall kiosk, yet the representative said they weren't hiring anyone, although the job search engine said they were. I need a job like that one.

I still need to find some remedy for the acne, and I need a partial for my mouth before I could do high end sales.

The GI doctor said that the last lab results were incomplete, that everything in looks good, and that they're proud of me for having quit smoking.

I wonder if I should just go to school online for the time being. Although I could be a grocery store cashier, maybe, I'm embarrassed by my symptoms.

I wrote another poem, and I've got twelve copywrighted. If this blog has a happy ending, I'll publish it with the poetry.

Two Months Wait

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:25:15 GMT

I finally bought another chest binder now that it is made with four more inches, called tummy control, from Underworks.

Dr Jensen, my psychiatrist, said no to my starting T now, because he says I'm not stable enough and I'm not working. Dr Andrew just wants me back the way I was a few months ago, before I relapsed drinking two beers, for me to start hormones although he said that I'm close. In two months, hopefully I'll be ready.

Dr Andrew told me that most people aren't sensitive to my IBS demanding a special diet. Although I get $200 in foodstamps monthly to help me afford my food , I need to stay away from the cookies at AA meetings. I had a sweet tooth, however, it's not worth it because a few cookies can make me sick for a week, so 'cheat days' like the nurse suggested are not an option. With my doctor's bloodwork, I should know what's edible for me.

My 90/90 is complete, so I won't be walking to as many 12 Step meetings. The beautiful weather lent itself to nice thoughtful walks. I'm meeting people I like now.

I don't think ALI would allow me work in a bar, and I would like to bartend anyway. What do I really need? Starbuck's takes the criminal record back seven years which I'm a few months shy for. I've looked on Craig'slist to find no jobs available, although there are bar jobs in the area. I know it seems insane to want to work in a bar when abstaining from alcohol, yet the barkeep must be sober to work.

Mon, 04 May 2009 15:40:29 GMT

Arundel Lodge is talking about my starting T here! They said I could live with the hairstylist! Nice of them!

My doctor said he would write referrals.

We, Dr Andrew and I, used to laugh in therapy, now it seems that we barely tolerate each other. We haven't gotten anything tangible accomplished. He tells me what I am, to do, or otherwise disregards my statements. He said my type of guy would be a 'stay at home kind of guy'. I told him when he asked, that I'm a bottom, he told me about five times that I'm a top, which makes me wonder about his ability to treat me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a fight. If I were looking for a boyfriend, I would be doing something else online now. I'm not ready to date because of my health...dating is something I haven't mastered yet anyway.

I don't know why he keeps pressing the issue.

Moving On

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 18:04:40 GMT

I called an attorney, who recommended getting a new doctor, and gave me the information about FTMs needing T. I'm notorious for firing therapists and 12 step sponsors, especially.

That leaves it open to move where I really want to live. I don't have any friends up in Baltimore, so there's no point in staying in Maryland. The question is whether I can make enough money to make it out of here.

I talked with my family, asking for help...my binder comes first, then a job maybe in a coffeehouse, saving money, and finding the best city. I'll have to get referrals from Dr Andrew too.

I really enjoyed him as a doctor, however, he said he didn't care and forgot when I became overly stressed over having been raped by a doctor. He told me to 'get over it', but didn't facilitate my healing process. Don't get me wrong, I needed therapy for the rape although I have a mental illness, which he didn't treat me for.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 21:37:14 GMT

I didn't know that it was so dangerous not to use T, and I can't without a prescription because they test my blood at Arundel Lodge.

No wonder I was freaked out. Today, I've been fine, my voice almost behaved on the phone with the attorney from New York, and I found out about the risk of suicide in not using T. My serenity is gone although I understand that it will return, I'm calm at the moment and I know that if I need it, sooner or later, I'll get it.

I finally went in and got an appointment to see the GI doctor in two weeks.

I've got sponsors, but they either want me to hang with their girls, or be balls to the walls butch around them handing over all my gorgeous lesbian friends which I don't have. I do know what I won't be doing. Finding a male sponsor...I have a friend who gives good hugs...

People aren't perfect, so I'll forgive.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:30:25 GMT

All the doctors say that medicaid isn't suitable for me. Sadly, my family is too wrapped up in Catholic and otherwise Christian politics, and argues that I should learn to live with the issue of transgender without any medical support. I know they want grandchildren, yet they can look elsewhere because I am transgender, living more as a man, and taking medication harmfull to pregnancy.

I finally bought acidolphilus culture. I know the GI doctor told me to cut out wheat a long time ago, but I was still eating Lodge lunch. Now, I get enough money in foodstamps to buy the needed groceries.

I've been shopping a little at Trader Joe's because my allergies were out of control.

I've been walking to my 12 Step meetings for the excersize. It's great to fit a size "34 again!

It was explained to me that 13th stepping isn't an option - to wait a year to date anyone.

Relapsed

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 20:22:24 GMT

My recent alcoholic relapse of two beers when no one, me too, was paying attention to the labels, has put me on 90 meetings in 90 days, with signed mtg slips, although I was attending meetings and I'm not in the Mentally Ill Chemically Addicted program.

AA is still recruiting me heavily, however, in NA I get hugs. AA wants more information than I can give them comfortably for my anonymity. The one NA guy who could of sponsored me is dealing with nearly identical financial issues. I'm letting go and letting my HP guide me to a sponsor.

Trust is my big issue. I've discussed it in therapy to realize that there is no safety net in America. My binder never came, and my $500, which was saved from my SSI check for me, isn't there for me when I need to become independent of welfare.

I need a binder for summer. I don't exactly know how I'm going to afford one.

Money from tax returns has come, yet I was waiting for the $500. :(

I called my friend after a year. Thank you so much for the encouragement!

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:24:22 GMT

I got the official letter from the Honorable Judge Cooksie stating that my conditional release has expired!

I won't be moving because Arundel Lodge rescinded the $500 to move out with due to recent budget cuts. (They also no longer give clients clothing allowances.) They are asking me to pay them back the $1,500 for 'res fees' at $5 per week.

I've cut down on coffee, drinking it only at 12 Step meetings, so I feel tired all the time.

Therapy has been really weird. Dr Andrew told me that no insurance covers trans surgery, or at least pecs, chest surgery. He mentioned hard work to make the money? as the only option.

Why do I want pecs? I want to be an attractive man!

My Grandfather David says that he needs to take care of his cows. It was nice talking with him, and I suppose that on some level that cows are important. I guess my family isn't going to pay...

I found out that I'm very allergic to wheat. Eliminating it from my diet has been helpful. I should talk with a dietitian soon.

I feel like a prisoner of economic status.

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:53:21 GMT

I called my conditional release monitor twice, she said that because all the reports to my judge were favorable, my conditional release has expired, and that the official letter should be in the mail.

I called a day program in Baltimore County to say that I most likely won't need them, and I've been in contact with a sober house for a coed bed.

I should be able to afford the $140 cash first week's rent with the $50 my mom sends and my allowance from ALI, or if I wait until next month, I can use my SSI.

Irregardless, I'll move to enjoy the opportunities of city life where I can transition and do more poetry and art.

I gave Steve two drawings. He said that he's not going to be around for ever. I love it when he kisses me.

I have a publishing opportunity with my poetry, etc.

If I could collect all the phallic pastels and pencils I've drawn over the years to put them in this book, it would be interesting to see how I've evolved from symbolic realism to something more unique. The change has been due mostly to tardetive dyskensia from the psychiatric medications which I treat with flaxseed oil. I don't have the dexterity I did when I was eleven years old drawing an edible looking banana. Adaptation has increased my creativity.

TRANS LOBBY DAY

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 20:07:58 GMT

Arundel Lodge's clients sexually harass me by insisting that I am not a transman, calling me 'girl', and saying, "What?" when I speak. ALI assumes that I will 'rage' when I start hormones, even though I am in therapy. To protect themselves from imaginary harm, they decided that I should move to Baltimore first to start hormones, without my having been there when they made the decision. Since they've disregarded the Harry Benjamin standard of care for transgender/ed, I feel like I'm being discriminated against. It's about my comfort, I understand.

This private health care is funded by my public Medical Assistance from Maryland, so why do they think they can deny me health care?

I didn't attend the Maryland Senate hearing because someone from the legislature, said "Doesn't it say in...the Bible...that you should slay homosexuals?" It's not his statement that made me feel uncomfortable, but it's an unusual flux of estrogen putting me on edge.

Instead of testifying live, I will write a letter to John Astle explaining why I feel that transgender/ed people deserve to be protected by law from discrimination like in getting a simple torso body cast removed. I went to five different hospitals, was admitted, yet , in the end, I had to call on the courtesy phone of a psych hospital to schedule its removal. (They thought I was a nurse on the phone.)

Baltimore has since past municipal laws protecting transgender/ed in 2003.

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 20:54:15 GMT

Tameka and I did hang out, in the mall, arguing like we were mad. I was self conscience about presenting male until I got a coffee, then I freaked about being gay, and almost gave up about being a drag queen. I was tried to be 'myself' with out pretenses the whole time.

She's probably clueless and maybe confused because she called me Ma'am. At least I got to know her better.

My AA friends are unimpressed by the story. I was given the gays have sex ultimatum - I think that's what that was - but I know I'm not ready still.

Tameka

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 21:43:49 GMT

I was talking with a friend af mine, Tameka, about her hair, like we've been doing for the last 3 1/2 years now, and I realized that I have genuine feelings for her. She's not a sexual turn on, rather emotional in that I don't want her to get hurt by some of the clients who have hurt me in the past.

She says, "Come, stand by me!" and talks about what's for dinner while we wait for the bus. She lives within her means, yet still has class.

I've got an application for a day program in Baltimore and permission to move. All so I can start hormones. Maybe if Tameka is interested I could deliver when taking hormones?

Dr Andrew suggested hanging out with her, but I couldn't remember her phone number (if she ever gave it to me).

Waiting

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:50:50 GMT

I told the nurse that my somatic health isn't well enough to move to Baltimore, yet. IBS is still symptomatic, although the GI doctor claimed that I'm normal. I threw the Metamucil my primary care physician prescribed last summer in the trash. My anual physical exam is tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get a different GI doctor.

When my health recovers, I will save money for moving. I have dietary restrictions which makes it impossible to budget without a job.

I've tried everything, yogurt, lactaid, probiotic enzyme cultures, plus abstinence from dairy, etc, yet they all quit working. I've been diagnosed with a perforated colon, diverticulosis/litis, and impacted colon, but I've never had a colonoscopy.

I don't understand why? I already know that having a 'tiny colon' means that I will have to watch it for the rest of my life.

Quit My Job!

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 22:53:39 GMT

The store manager hit me over the head with a clip board several times in the months that I worked, so I quit when it became an inconvenience. I was supposed to become a cashier, yet in seven months, they only let me bag about ten times, and I never stood behind the register.

In the Apartment

The dryer's been broken since I moved in, last Aug, it takes two to three hours for one load. We haven't received a recycling bin yet, although I requested one when I moved in. My housemates claim responsibility for the routine chores I do, also, they steal the household supplies. We still haven't gotten pots and pans replaced since our former housemate raided us last summer.

Creatively

I've drawn a new picture, based on a prototype which I already sent to out, with more color and shapes.

I'm getting the monies together to publish for royalties. New technology makes it affordable, they say.

They call everyone 'she'

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 22:30:44 GMT

Is 'she' the new preferred pronoun?

My program manager and MHA both call me 'girl' and refer to my doctor as "she", who is a 'he'. If they ever called this doctor, who tells me - to tell them - to call me a 'he' too, they would know that he is a man.

I don't always sound like a man, however, when I do, it's overwhelmingly manly. I wish I could sound like a man more. I haven't taken voice lessons to sound like a man yet. Last I took voice lessons, the Benedictine Oblate Professor tried to make me soprano, so I smoked cigarettes. (I wonder if I'll still hit high notes after T, sometimes.)

My program manager then went into the "When you were born, the doctor looked at you and determined..." I told her that, "All would have been fine, if they hadn't surgically removed the testicles..."

I'm trying to talk them out of their 'know it all, so sue us' behavior because I like the freedom from hospitalization. Arundel Lodge has promised to honor pronouns before, yet things have gotten worse.

Do they still sell Blue Boy in Stores?

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:35:17 GMT

I went to both B&N and Borders, yet neither carry Blue Boy! Not in the database! Is all gay porn online now? My friends would throw the mag at me when I was young.

I went off Welbutrin for sobriety. (maniacal laughter shouldn't go on for months) I feel more stabile, and more human.

I almost miss the pink cloud...worried about my prison of a body and how to present it without becoming depressed.

I've realized that most people don't bother to listen after being forced into hetero-sexual rape five years ago by patient at Crownsville Hosp, whom I had disclosed to that I am transgender. That insensitivity rode his motorcycle roaring down the street several times like I would leave. I nearly called him, but I don't need to be womanized, so I won't, hopefully, go thru that again.

Why do people assume that I'm a MTF, if they know that I am trans? Yeah, a therapist assumed, along with several others...

I'm worried about it...how to get a boyfriend...how to have sex...cross that bridge when I get there...